How I Let Go of Mum Guilt

My toddler was 1 when we started this business. In my mind, I thought I knew enough about boundaries, to manage the delicate balance between managing a start-up and showing up as the mum and wife I wanted to be.

And I did, initially. During the early months, I dare say I celebrated myself for managing both so well.

I was hitting my health goals, for the first time in a long time. I was present with my partner and daughter and taking enormous strides forward in our business, with quarter on quarter growth.

Until it hit a point where we took on too many clients, too many projects, too many workshops…

When you’re loaded with commitments, it doesn’t take much to throw off that delicate balance. One illness. One lost day. One reschedule.

That’s all it took to throw off the next week, which in turn threw off the next week and before I knew it I was back to working 7 days and over 70 hour weeks sometimes to try and “catch up”.

That’s when the mum guilt kicked in.

My baby, who was a generally happy little girl, started to become extremely demanding, very emotional and outright difficult.

The more absent I was, the more difficult she became. She was doing her best to simply tell me that she was not onboard with this new schedule. And the problem was I heard her, but I also knew that there was quite a few more weeks of this load left to carry.

To add insult to injury it was in the midst of this, she started daycare. If you’re a parent, you can no doubt imagine what joy that was!

In came the flood of illnesses, leading to more reschedules and lost days, extending out this never ending “catch-up” period.

I knew the guilt had taken up permanent residence when I started to feel myself exit the stress-family of emotions and move into the sadness zone.

Having done the amount of work I have, I knew that was my body telling me it was time to stop.

So I did.

I had work to do, I had housework to do, I had people to be there for, but I knew that I couldn’t do that justice, without taking the time to be there for me first.

I paused all responsibilities for a day and spent a day in nature.

In hindsight it was time spent witnessing what I was feeling.

Guilt - that I wasn’t being there for my baby, the way I promised her and myself I would be.

Disappointment - that I had overcommitted and created this scenario.

Worry - that the high standards we set for the business would be threatened by slowing down and ultimately… just exhausted!

As I watched the water ebb and flow along Sydney’s Eastern Shoreline… I just spent some time accepting that reality. Accepting what I felt, without trying to change it or fix it yet (because let’s be honest, I had no energy for that!).

Breathing in and out, slowly becoming recharged by the outdoors, I started to notice that buried underneath the tiredness, I also felt mildly exhilarated watching the success we were having. I was inspired and grateful to have found my passion and calling. I was connected and alert to what was going on in my body for the first time in a long time and more importantly, I was able to simply notice it, without the waves of tension and anxiety, I may have once felt.

Years ago, faced by the same feelings I would have simply kept hustling - pushing and putting the needs of my 30+ people team, my family, my clients above my own, until of course eventually something snapped.

If I was being honest a BIG part of me, felt liberated knowing that I could stop and give myself the space to simply BE today, instead of DO.

When I eventually headed home that day, I knew in my bones that the stress and exhaustion I was feeling was simply my body’s reminder to own my emotions, reconnect with my needs and set boundaries so that the next wave of growth that was coming was not anchored in guilt, but rather packaged in pride.

It was also a subtle heads up that the journey of balance, is not a one-time “fix-it” type deal - it is a practice of awareness, acceptance and consistent renegotiation with ourselves and our environments.

When you know your values, your vision and your strengths, renegotiation is easy.

Following that period, I changed my schedule, re-prioritising my core values and remembering that to be the kind of leader, mother and change-maker that I want to be, I need to protect what is sacred to me: presence, family, integrity, health and authenticity.

It’s not a simple, “do this once” and all will be resolved type matter.

It is a rich practice, that becomes strengthened every time you show up for yourself.

What I love most, is that every time I show up for me, I am showing my daughter and my clients, that it’s OK for them to show up for them too.